a penny for my thoughts.

hey guys!
i really dont know where i should start with this but i guess theres no right beginning.
but thank you you know who you are.
you've urged me to finally put my never ending thoughts into words.
i guess i could never string them together if you never seeked comfort in me.
maybe one day you'll finally understand the things I've been trying to tell you

i guess growing up we all just wanted to get up and go out have our fun and go home with bruised knees. we all grew up differently. i had a pretty balanced childhood and a privileged one. and i thank my parents for that. for only wanting the best for me.  as they say all good things come to an end right?
i grew into my teenage years they grew older, perspectives and expectations changed and we could almost never align our sentiments. ill cut this short and get to the point.
is that through all the strict rules and ridiculous encounters, i found myself a puppet.
my life then became a show. i did what made them happy i did what was the safest. but could i stay that way for long? will we ever be puppets our entire lives? no
i rebelled and god you never know how bad things were. back then going through my first heartbreak and O levels and disputes with my parents made me change as a person
id say i was hateful and i always blamed others for things that happened. i never had a opinion of my own. well i mean i did but i never acted it out. i did what the script wrote and i was in the safe zone
is that how life was really supposed to be? i guess not.

i spent nights and days figuring out how Id live my life the right way.
then i realised. that there isn't really a right way to live life
my life is going to be how i make it, it is my own adventure
guess we always wondered how amazing life would be with instructions
precisely why there isn't. this life you're living now is the adventure you've embarked on. whether you'd stay in base or explore the darkest and deepest corners. whether you're gonna sit and wait or get up move and make it happen.
and no I'm not sure if theres a heaven or hell or if we just becoming decaying bodies 6 feet down. will anyone remember me then.
does it matter now? no cause we'd never know for ourselves till the day we get there.
so whats there to not try, whats there to hold back.
everything is out there, if you want it go get it
fear stops your growth. fear closes doors. and it is the fear of death that hold us back.
that what if we aren't growing up the way we are supposed to? or what if this isn't the "way to go about life"
we all go one day and we dont know what really remains after. so what is there to lose?

sure growing up I've heard nasty things about myself, made a bunch or a ton of stupid fucking mistakes and did things i never should have. but do i regret them now? no.
do i regret falling in love for the first time, no. was heartbreak easy? no but i dont regret a bit. I'm happy for the fucking nonsense I've been through the shit i had to put up with and the freedom as a 14-16 year old being taken away from me because of my parents. no shit at some point i hated their fucking guts, I'm a little older now, i wouldn't say i understand life through and through. but I'm sure they did what they did out of love for me, whether the way they did was right or wrong. somethings i / wecwill never understand,  but the most beautiful things sometimes were never meant to be understood, just accepted.

i have good and bad days.
but through all that, I've grown. and i dont need validation. from anyone
i dont need approval to do the craziest things i want to. i validate myself and i am who i am really. so are you. all of you. as cliche as it is. no one is going to love you for you if you dont love you for you.
you dont need someone to tell you how amazing you are as a person everyday nor do you need to let the negativity of others bring you down. we weren't meant to be made of steel. we break down and give in to stupid mean comments of people we dont know sometimes. and its okay to cry its okay to feel like a loser some times.
but dont stay there forever in your game of self pity. dont throw yourself a pity party because no one is going to turn up.
somedays grab a beer smoke a cigarette whatever. 

cry
scream
let yourself go 
notice your flaws
ask yourself why things turned out so bad
be a fucking wreck,

but snap out of it. you were pushed to rock bottom so you could get back up.
remember that the universe is only this big
you aren't alone and we aren't all perfect.
things fail, things dont work people leave
shit happens.

but get back up. any way you can, you can crawl or run, at least you're moving
at least you're trying again. never give up the things that mean so much to you
never mind the the things people tell you to do never mind the people that go against you
at the end of the day will you be happy with you? will you like you and will you love you.
sometimes its hard to be a let down to people around you. i guess at our age, to our parents.
sure I'm thankful they brought me to life, i have to respect them.
maybe I'm wrong or maybe i am too young to understand
but i am not going to be a puppet. but I'm not telling you to go against them any chance you get.
I'm saying make them happy, but i am also saying fight for what you want and who you are/
did i grow up all according to plan?
no. I'm sure my parents never expected their daughter to have hair that of a rainbow half the time. they probably didnt expect id ever turn out the way i was, and have the vices i have.
along the way I'm sure I've let them down here and there.
do i really want to be studying what i am now? NO
but i am in it and i just have to make the best out of it.complete this level of my education and move on to the next.
they'll be happy.
but when i grow older i have no fcking idea if ill ever use the things I've learnt in school. probably not.
a 9-5 job a steady income and a routine to follow. the safe way of life?
no. i wrench at the thought of it.
at 25 will i have life figured all out. will i have a 5 digit lovely income. and will i have already met the love of my life. would my parents be proud?

i dont know

but at 25. i will be happy with the things I've done and the mistakes I've made, with where i am and what I'm doing, i will only be growing any way i am
at 25 i will embrace the individual i am. i will stand for my beliefs and i will put up a fight.

am i all too young and am i right.
maybe, maybe not

idk if all I've said sounds like a load of bullcrap or a fcking disgusting paragraph of letters strung together. and i know for sure this post does not have a beautiful flow. its jumbled
but i think all i am trying to say is that

you validate you. you dont need anyone to make you feel more or less as a person.
never let anyone do that, never let anyone or anything be in control of your life.
that its okay to fall, but please stand back up. i can't measure how much is enough to go through for it to be enough. for someone to stop being afraid to stand up for themselves. but i hope we all do someday. to understand that not everything is meant to be understood, that maybe things fail for better ones to come along.
that all that we're worrying about now won't matter tomorrow.
and that the toughest periods of life, make us beautiful.
change begins in you, have a wonderful adventure.